self

my body and mind are still in 'vacation' mode and i should be forcing myself into bed so i start this week on a well-rested note. however, this aforementioned mind of mine is swirling with all kinds of thoughts. and since my husband is in minnesota for work and it is too late to call someone...here i am. in the interest of going to bed soon-ish and (hopefully) clearing my mind, i'll attempt brevity.
for as long as i can remember, i just wanted to be a good kid/student/daughter/sister/friend. i'm not sure where it came from...but it was just there. as i grew older, my desire to be 'good' remained, but took on more meaning as i gauged my actions, thoughts and words against the example of Jesus. i want to be like Him - loving, patient, generous, forgiving. and what is currently occupying my mind is who i am in Him -- the good, the bad and the in-between. i want to embrace the good, transform the bad and adjust the in-between to become the person He desires me to be.
lately, i've been 'battling' with the bad that to wants to surface - the selfishness, the attitude, the negative filter. when i am so wrapped up in myself and negative feelings, it's difficult to love, be patient, be generous and forgive. it's left me where i am now - feeling that my purpose is off-track, that my attitude is keeping me from who i can be, and that being a negative nellie is just no fun - for anyone!
tonight, i finally recognized the flaws in my attitude and acknowledged the need for change. there is no quick fix or simple answer to anything i've put out there all i can do is pray and be patient that God will bring about the changes in me. i've just felt 'off' for a little while now...but i have faith that He will bring me back to where i need to be.
may you all have a wonderful monday and a blessed week.

p.s. a song that touched my heart long ago...and again tonight.
Your love is all I have
it brings me to the floor
i can't ignore the way You make me feel
Your eyes are fixed on me
Your words will light my way
from day to day I will never need a thing
You're faithful to the end
You've let me know through every circumstance You will never leave my side
You're closer than my breath
You're always on my mind
and still there's room for more of You in my life
invade my very heart
change me until I am who You are
come and fashion me until every part is how You desire
those stains that covered me
they all have disappeared since You came near
You've made me like a child
now I see through Your eyes the way it ought to be
You're calling me to never compromise
invade my very heart
change me until I am who You are
come and fashion me until every part is how You desire

~'fashion' by jason morant~

edit

i've started about a dozen posts since my last post...but just haven't found the time to finish them. other things seemed to beckon and, upon returning to the partial post, i didn't know how to finish it. i'd changed my perspective or, sometimes, i'd just lost the train of thought.
and, honestly, most of the posts were no good. lots of rambling, venting and 'in the moment'-fueled writing. this isn't stuff i want to write (why, oh why, do i dwell?) and i doubt it's anything anyone would want to read.
and that is where i'm hitting a wall with this blogging thing.
i feel like i waver between mini-updates about my life and complaints about minor things. something i enjoy and value about the blogs i read is the way that the aspects of their day-to-day lives (both the good and the bad) are interwoven with their thoughts and feelings(positive and negative).
my problem: i feel the need to edit and censor myself -- only presenting the person that i want people to know and see.
the person who is happy and positive all the time.
the person who is consistently a generous and thoughtful wife.
the person who is a nurturing teacher, day in and day out.
i'm hesitant to give some friends and family my blog address for fear of what they will think or feel about what i write. do i want people to know the messy/less-than-ideal aspects of myself?
to be perfectly honest, being thought of as friendly, nice and 'together' is kind of appealing. but it is not always realistic.
some days, i am a grump and i fight with my husband for no good reason and i snap at kids who really don't deserve it.
i'm realizing that i need to find the balance between being honest and candid about my life -- but not using this blog as a forum for airing any and all grievances i may have. i don't know what that will look like exactly.
the next few days/weeks/months will be an exercise in being honest about my life - sharing the good and being open to mentioning the bad. since i am overly wrapped up in being the 'perfect (insert label)' - this will be a challenge. but bear with me...maybe by the new year, i'll have struck that balance. :)

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now, for those who care, i leave you with some highlights/thoughts. after all, it has been a loooong month since my last post and i'm sure you're all curious.
*matt returned safely - and a week early, too. :) it took a little adjusting for both of us after being independent for a few weeks, but we're back in a groove and enjoying being in the same country. he leaves again in early december - so we're squeezing in plenty of opportunities for quality time until then.
*school is good. my little kiddos are super smart, very cute and pretty well-behaved. we're off to a great start and i'm excited to see where this year goes. it's going by soooo quickly!
*james has been in and out of the hospital a lot lately. matt's family is having a hard time - so prayers would be appreciated. we're going to see them tomorrow and we'll do what we can to help out - whatever that may be. :)
*i'm loving this cold weather. it means warm drinks aplenty, cozy sweaters coming out of storage and using our very efficient heater. i love fall/winter.
*30 rock is an awesome show. we are nerds and watch old tv shows on netflix because we don't have cable. anyways...we giggled our way through the entire season. good times.
*i am looking forward to thanksgiving. i will be participating in three thanksgivings this year - one at school, one with college friends in the city and then the actual day of giving thanks. luckily, i adore thanksgiving food - so this trifecta of turkey will not be a problem.

alright...off to bed on this glorious fall weekend - which just happens to be three days long. happy weekend, all.
:)