This is my family. :)Aren't we cute?
And isn't this a really cheesy picture? ;)
Two summers ago, the O'Reilly clan (my mom's five sisters and all those attached to them) got together for a family reunion. And during the reunion, this family snapshot was taken. :)
When I look at this picture, I can't help but smile and think about how fortunate I am to have these four people to interact with, learn from and grow up with. I know that not everyone has warm fuzzy memories of their childhoods and their families, so I apologize for the warm fuzzies that are about to come forth. As a child, how I grew up felt right and normal because it was all I knew and all I could relate to. My parents supported me in everything (within reason) I wanted to do and built me up to be the person I am today. Sure, there were problems with curfews and unsuitable boyfriends and the often uncontrollable 'wenchiness' of being a teenager. But at the end of the day, things quietly worked themselves out and we moved on with life.
Fast forward to now. I don't live with the family I grew up with. Instead, I am starting a new family (sans kids, for now) with Matt. And with this new family, I am faced with the obvious fact that how I grew up and what I am accustomed to was not the same across the board. (Duh, right?) Now, Matt's parents are wonderful and kind people who I adore...but they are definitely not like my parents. My family is more quiet and tends to avoid conflict like the plague, while Matt's parents are more 'outgoing' and like to talk things out. And as a result, Matt grew up with different norms and ways of doing things than I did. While this isn't necessarily a problem, it does present a challenge in the ways in which we communicate and 'work things out' between us.
Whenever we argue or disagree about something, the issue itself is usually VERY trivial. Not even worth any additional words. But what turns this minor, insignificant squabble into an unpleasant and silence-filled argument is the way that we handle problems and conflict. Matt grew up used to talking things out and talking things through in a calm and collected manner. I grew up used to brief outbursts of defensive words, storming off (involving me and a slammed door) and notes of apology. After that, things were fine and we went on with life. While this might not be the best conflict resolution strategy, it's what I know. So now...when Matt and I disagree, my tendency is to go on the defensive, spit out whatever I have to say and then leave it at that so I can stew. (You should be glad to know that slammed doors are no longer a part of it...look at my progress).
Is this way of arguing stupid and childish? Absolutely. Do I know how to 'fix' it? Not yet. It surprises me how instinctual and immediate it is for me to react this way. Sometimes, I hear the words coming out of my mouth and I think, "What are you doing?!?!? You love him. He is so wonderful to you. STOP!!!!!" I know that I need to train myself to argue/discuss/disagree in a way that leads to a resolution for both of us - instead of just saying what I feel I need to say and hoping that it just goes away. But I realize nothing will just 'go away' because this man will be with me for the rest of my life. I chose to share my heart and my future with him - and why should that future be full of unhappiness and stupid fights? And even though I know that a smooth and problem-free life is impossible and outside my control, I know that I can do my part make our life together happy and healthy.
So...after all the rambling and yammering on...does anyone have suggestions about adjusting your communication style? This might sound like a cop-out, but I am surprised by how quickly I jump to defend myself and try to 'win' during an argument. I hate that I do it. And I want to fix it. Any advice or tips or anything from anyone would be appreciated. Because then I can put them into practice and, hopefully, be a better communicator, which sounds really cheesy as I type it...but whatever. Cheesiness is who I am. :)
Happy week to you all!
2 comments:
I think that the biggest thing that has helped me is to realize that the other person is not my enemy. In some ways, it's helpful to verbalize that---either by you saying it, or having Matt say it. For me, that really helped me not feel so defensive and remember that there is no "winner" in a fight, because both people lose when there is discord in a relationship. Also, there is nothing wrong with asking him to take a break before talking so that you can sort out your feelings. In your break, you may find it helpful to write out your feelings or figure out exactly what is bothering you. Is it about where to go to dinner, or are you feeling upset about something else going on---be it with the relationship or outside of it? Once you are aware of what's really upsetting you, you're usually much more able to communicate it. I know that you guys will work through these little issues, Jill, and it is so wonderful that you're working to improve yourself/your relationship. I love you!
Your post is like de-ja-vu (sp?)...sorta. I think that everyone goes thu something similiar to this when they get married. I know we did. Ty is more "hey, if it's not that big a deal just let it go and forget about it." I, however, HAVE to talk about it or else it festers and blows up later into this big deal because I stupidly tried to just "let it go" like he does. What worked for us: lots of trial and error. Heck we're still figuring it out! Marriage is work. Luckily we're very open, so we're both aware of our 'issues' and speak openly about them. Typically now when we have an argument out of nothing (which, let's face it, they all are) we talke about it CALMLY, and hug. Sounds lame but it really works! If Tyler will just hug me until I calm down, everything bad or stressful just melts away. Silly and simple...Hug it out!
ps: there's a common saying that if you start to fight, you should both just strip down til your naked. it's hard to fight a naked person.
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