prayer

i'm not going to pretend to know anything about poetry and the intricacies of the stanzas and rhyme and other poetry 'buzz' words i remember hearing in english classes. in spite of my lack of poetic knowledge, i am able to say that i recognize when i can make small connections between words (a song lyric, a note from the universe, a card from a friend) and my own life.

i came across this poem on a fellow blogger's page and the words made my eyes well up (not hard to do...but still).

praying

it doesn't have to be
the blue iris, it could be
weeds in a vacant lot, or a few
small stones; just
pay attention, then patch

a few words together and don't try
to make them elaborate, this isn't
a contest but the doorway

into thanks, and a silence in which
another voice may speak.

~ mary oliver ~

it describes a perspective and approach to life that i have been attempting to embrace and embody for awhile. to find God not just in church or bible study or when i read my bible at night...but to recognize it in the everyday things. to come to Him and just talk and be myself. not 'jill the ultimate christian with all the right words'. to be honest and sincere and talk to my Savior like he knows me best.

our bible study has just begun reading/discussing a book on prayer. we're only three chapters in, but it has revealed to me that prayer can just a dialogue. i can't strive to impress God by using the 'right' words and following the right pattern. prayer can be an open conversation about whatever is on my heart.

but, at the same time...i am learning that once i share the troubles of my heart, i need to be quiet and listen for God to respond. i've never heard an audible voice or received some incredible sign from above...but i've felt nudgings in everyday things, as small and insignificant as they may be. the listening and waiting is the hardest part for me, but i am learning patience day by day - in more ways than one. :)

happy thursday bloggie friends. :)

poop

so, in the spirit of full disclosure of all facets of my life, let me share the lowlight of my day:

poop.

yes.

i said it.

poop.

during our math test today, a sweet (and very quiet) boy of mine had the urge for some number two. and instead of saying something, he decided to go for it. and 'it' somehow ended up all over the carpet in my classroom.

it was both disgusting and amazing - ick...but how did it get on the carpet?

anywho...i am tired and a little light-headed from the massive amount of chemical fumes poured on my floor to remedy the stink.

hope you all had a cleaner and better smelling tuesday than i did. :)

notes from the universe

after my dear friend amy mentioned receiving motivational e-mails from 'the universe', i figured i could use a little pick-me-up and a bit of positive thinking a few times a week. i signed up and, though some have been a little bit in left field, today's note gave me reason to pause.

Would you believe, Jill, that there is nothing about your life today, not even what hurts, that you won't eventually appreciate, with happy tears running down your face?
Nothing.
Chokes me up just thinking about it -
The Universe

lately, i have felt that my role as a teacher, as a wife, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend have all been lacking due this overwhelming feeling of...being sub-par. and, every day, i 'hurt' myself a little bit by focusing on what i wish i had done differently - how i could have been more patient with a struggling child in my class or showed my husband how much he means to me or taken a minute to share my day with a family member or grabbed my phone to tell a friend that i was thinking of them. by focusing on all the things i wished i could have done or wanted to do (but didn't), i am playing into this nagging thought that i need to be more, be better, be everything i want to be/feel i should be all at the same time.
while this may be no revelation to those reading, i am figuring out that i cannot be the perfect ___(insert label)___. try as i might, i am only setting myself up for little pin-pricks of daily 'hurt'. throughout the course of my day/life, there will be moments of 'hurt' caused by things completely outside of myself, so, until those uncontrollable moments come, why should i be a source of pain/unhappiness in my own life? instead of focusing on how disappointed i am that i wasn't the model image of patience/love/friendship, i should delight in what i actually do each day - both the good and the bad.
and maybe, as 'the universe' predicts, i will appreciate it down the road. :)

p.s. as i go back and read my 'note from the universe', i realize that this post took a bit of a detour and went down a slightly different path that doesn't so much correlate to the initial source of bloggie inspiration. so...maybe just read the note, take some positive thoughts from it and then read my post as a separate entity. :)

kiddos :)

i'm pooped...these little kiddos tire me out.
i am noticing more and more how funny it is that one kiddo can break my heart one minute(with a sigh of boredeom, a lack of effort or just general punkishness).
and then, in the very next breath, make me smile.
one kiddo made this very weary teacher smile and feel special.
this may sound totally shallow, but this child (who was making me a little crazy all day long) told me he liked my shoes and that i "looked like beautiful."
and then, his neighbor agreed and added that because i am beautiful, i am a special princess. :) i'm not sure of the logic of that argument...but i won't fight it.
hooray for kiddos who make a teacher with slept-on hair and an unfortunate growth on her chin feel a little special.
hope your days are full of happy and fun things. :)

refueled

i left work earlier than normal (yay!) to get ready to head out for the conference this weekend. and because i was running on empty, i decided to stop by starbucks for a little calorie-fest known as the grande white chocolate mocha. once home, i enjoyed my yummy treat and noticed the 'way i see it' quote on the side. i'm not usually one to notice 'signs' or things that parallel my life, but, lo and behold, my cup tapped into something i have been wrestling with (and trying to ignore) the last few days. it's silly...but the words on this cup (from the maker of the world's most awesome vacuum) gave me reason to pause and realize that my worry was unnecessary. i'm doing what i can and what i know...and that's all i can do for now. so, in the event that you need a little inspiration, maybe the quote below can do something for you, as well.

Some of the best inventive moments were born out of “wrong thinking.” Most people start with the right way so they all follow the same path. The wrong way will lead to mistakes from which you can learn and create new discoveries – the kind of original ideas that come to life when we dare to be different, keep an open mind and have no fear of failure.
-- James Dyson, Industrial designer and inventor of the Dyson vacuum.

happy friday and happy weekend! we're off to monterey! :)

reflections :)

even though the last week has been a little busier than normal and chock full of distractions, i made a conscious decision to end each day with some reflection on something i enjoyed, learned or was challenged by. in the spirit of new directions, i wanted to share about the last few days. i intended to post these every night...but didn't...so here is a whole post full of goodness. :)

friday: being lame with my husband and, instead of being social, curling up at home with some yummy mac'n'cheese and watching the rest of season two of 'the office'.

saturday: a trip to costco where we split some pizza and a hot dog and some delicious 55 cent soda, followed by delicious free samples and some wandering around looking at all the things that we like.

sunday: enjoying a lovely visit from my parents which included going to church (surprised they wanted to go, but glad nonetheless), walking around downtown san jose and then eating a yummy lunch. it's always a treat to see them. :)

monday: finding the delicious haribo gummy bears (which i thought i'd lost) in the back of my car - and eating them one-by-one (and saving the pineapple ones 'til last) after school while i did my teacher thing.

tuesday: trading silly ways to say 'i love you' via e-mail with my husband. [backstory: it amuses me to say things that rhyme with that phrase, such as 'grub shoe' - complete with hyperlinks to pictures of the words used. welcome to a snapshot of our relationship. weird? maybe. but i love it. :)]

wednesday: after a thought-provoking staff meeting on tuesday, i wanted to make a conscious effort to really show my students how much i appreciate their effort and hard work. starting wednesday, i was a little 'over-the-top' with the kudos, but it made such a difference. who knew the phrase '________ is on fire' would motivate them so much. and it doesn't hurt that it also makes them laugh. good times in first grade. :)

thursday (today): great conversation with a co-worker this afternoon. we haven't talked much for whatever reason (too busy?), but today we were able to share some school-related things that we're both working through. it was nice to get her perspective and it also opened up the lines of communications in the future.

the week is almost over (yay!) and i am so glad to have a three-day weekend ahead of me. i know i just got back from vacation...but getting bak in the swing of things is tiring. matt and i get a mini-break to the montery area this weekend. the reason for the visit is a reading conference my principal is sending me to, but after the last seminar at 3:00, i have a saturday afternoon free to spend with my favorite guy in one of my favorite places.

hope your weekends are wonderful and relaxing...and hopefully three days long, too! :)

redirection

i've tried to sit down and write umpteen times over the last few days. i feel like i should update and share what's been going on in our little world.

but every time i start typing, my mind is taken over by the lives of other people i have met (in real life and blog life) and the real struggles they are going through. one woman gave birth to and lost a son on christmas day. another woman lost her father after a battle with illness and chronic pain. and yet another is watching her son basically fight for his life. these women (and those connected to them) are dealing with real, painful, uncontrollable things. where do i get off complaining about matt, family, my students, my job, and everything else i could find issue with?

when i consider the things that i complain/worry about on this blog, i realize that i have it pretty darn good. is it bad that the struggles of others helps me to recognize that i could have it so much worse? it probably is...so don't answer that, blog reader(s). :)

i guess the point of this post is that i want to redirect what this blog is and why i have it. i don't want it to be a blend of complaints, updates and memes. for the lovely few that read this, i want to post about things that brought my joy, that made me laugh, and that made me think.

these past few days have just reminded me that my life is so blessed. and i should try my best to be a blessing and a light to those that i come into contact with, instead of a dark cloud.

hope all is swell in your worlds.

I...

found this meme on a fellow blogger's page. i thought it was neat to consider different aspects of my personality, my beliefs and my preferences. hope it makes you think about all the different 'things' you are. :)

I am...a twenty-something woman who says"Golly gee" (though this 'slang' would otherwise indicate I should be a senior citizen).
I believe...that there is a purpose for my life - and I try to fulfill it everyday.
I consider...myself blessed.
I desire...to be able to speak up for myself when I feel a little walked upon. :/
I enjoy...the crisp air and rich colors of fall. (Too bad it is almost over.)
I forget...that the little things are just that...little.
I giggle...at animals dressed in clothing.
I hope...that I am making a difference in the lives of my twenty little kiddos.
I identify...with those who feel a 'tug' to serve
I jump...at an opportunity to visit with those I hold near and dear.
I know...how to make a yummy Jell-O pudding bundt cake.
I love...knowing that what I am doing matters to some special kids - especially on the days when I want to run away from it all.
I make...my husband laugh - and he does the same for me.
I never...want to hurt those I love.
I only...want to be a source of joy and love in the lives of those I interact with.
I plan...to travel - anywhere, everywhere - we're just waiting on the finances to support our journeys. :)
I question...if I am always fulfilling the plan God has for me.
I rely...on others for validation - and am realizing that the 'approval' of others isn't as important as what I might think is best.
I smile...when I look at pictures, whether they were taken yesterday or twenty years ago.
I think...wearing beanies, scarves, mittens, sweaters, etc. is absolutely wonderful - and wish I could do it more often.
I understand...my parents more and more as I get older - and become more and more thankful for them.
I vow...to love my husband through it all until the day I die.
I wish...I wasn't so prone to the 'waterworks' - happy, sad, frustrated, angry - it doesn't matter, they'll come anyways.
I (e)xamine...how I can be a more effective teacher to my struggling students.
I yearn...to have a deeper relationship with my sister.
I zip...around town in my lovely champagne Camry. (lame - i know :))

new goodies :)

after some lenghty planning and budgeting, matt and i braved the malls this past weekend to get christmas gifts for everyone in our families. all has been purchased (or ordered), so we just need to buckle down and wrap everything up nicely.
while this is a season of giving, i was a wee bit selfish and gave to myself a little bit by redeeming a macy's gift card i was given for my birthday a few months ago. with all of these wonderful holiday sales, it made sense to maximize the gifted money. :)

i was tickled by some of the great things i found and decided to share them. matt tried his best to be enthusiastic, but cute clothes and shoes don't really get him going. so, below are the (all on sale!) items i found during our weekend excursion to the oakridge mall:

*aerosoles mary-janes ~ these are the most comfy brand of shoes and i adore them.

*cheesy red christmas socks with a clumsy penguin. bright, colorful, patterned and/or cute socks are my favorite - and now i have a new pair to celebrate this season. :)

*i'm probably to old to be wearing this and it should be in the closet of a 15-year-old girl - but i thought it was funny. and, i've been told, an accurate advertisement of my skills as a hugger.

*last, but not least, i found some cute flat keds. i wear boring black flats/loafers to work almost every day and figured i could jazz up an outfit or two with some fun shoes.

i hope that you are all having a wonderful monday and enjoying the last few days before christmas. it's getting colder (or as cold as it can get in the bay area) which makes it feel a little more christmasy and wintery. i might actually get to utilize the scarves/beanies/gloves i've had in storage since london. :)

p.s. to those who read this blog: expect more mundane and silly posts over the next few weeks. i am on winter break until january 3rd (yay!) which means that i will have lots of bored afternoons while my husband works hard.

swell

this is my husband.

have i mentioned how swell he is? :)

currently, i am in the midst of a doozy of a week where there seem to be too any things to accomplish and just not enough time to do it all.

while i could wallow in my stress and feel incredibly overwhelmed, i have been blessed to have this man by my side to help and take some of the load off.

he has made us dinner. yum.

he snagged me some delicious (and free) candy from work. double yum.

he saved me a parking spot right next to our apartment so i wouldn't have to trek it to the faraway spaces tomorrow morning.

he made little paper books for my students to read.

he gives wonderful end-of-the-day hugs.

he will be helping me wrangle my students into costumes for our holiday program tomorrow night.

he will help me with anything i need - whether i ask him to or not.

i just feel so lucky and blessed by him and wanted to share it with the bloggie universe.

i heart him. sappy, i know...but whatever. :)

hope you are all feeling blessed by those in your life that make things a little easier and fills your life with love and happiness.

summary and a meme

the last week or so has been full. thankfully, it made the trip from monday to friday seem to fly by. but with the fullness of the week came some big things.
in summary:
to begin, thanksgiving was wonderful. i got some one-on-one time with my sister. i got to see my family. we ate lots of yummy food. hooray for the holidays.
matt's grandpa and step-grandma came out from texas for thanksgiving. the day after thanksgiving, he passed out in their hotel room and lost a lot of blood. the doctors weren't sure what the problem was but realized that a blood vessel in his stomach had burst. he spent the last week in the hospital and was released yesterday. he still isn't 100%....so there's some waiting to see how things will pan out.
matt's brother james has suffered from seizures since infancy. they used to be managed fairly well by a cocktail of medications. lately, the meds are not working as they should and he is experiencing clusters of seizures every four to five days. he's knocked out with valium every time (which takes him a few days - like 4 or 5 - to recover from). matt and his family is worried about what this will mean for james' future - so everyone is waiting to see what the epilepsy specialist can suggest.
so, after all that, things are on the upswing in the roberts' family health department. it hasn't been a huge toll on us - but it's been something on our minds. hopefully, things can be resolved soon for everyone.
as for our life...being back at work has been kinda crazy. i have realized that the kids seem to have forgotten all of our classroom rules and expectations over the holiday break, so the last few days have been dedicated to re-training them and trying to keep my sanity. :) matt and i are doing well. he is off building a wall in the garage of our friend's new condo. i was invited to partake in the festivities but declined. lame as it may be, i wanted to veg at home and i also have no clue how to put up a wall and figured i would be of little help.
since I am too lazy/wiped out to post anything else of substance right now, here is a fun little survey thingy for your amusement...or mine...or whatever.

One word. No explanation.
1. Yourself: unsure....(sorry to break the rule...but i don't know how to describe myself in one word - lame, i know.)
2. Your partner: swell :)
3. Your hair: dyed
4. Your mother: thoughtful
5. Your father: generous
6. Your favorite item: photos
7. Your dream last night: non-existent
8. Your favorite drink: water
9. Your dream car: automatic
10. The room you are in: living room
11. Your ex: high school
12. Your fear: failure
13. What you want to be in 10 years: mother
14. Who you hung out with last night: matt
15. What you're not: bold
16. Muffins: yummy
17: One of your wish list items:
18: Time: fleeting
19. The last thing you did: sipped
20. What you are wearing: layers
21. Your favorite weather: crisp
22. Your favorite book: romans
23. The last thing you ate: cookie
24. Your life: blessed
25. Your mood: content
26. Your best friend: honest
27. What you're thinking about right now: snack
28. Your car: champagne
29. What you are doing at the moment: blogging
30. Your summer: honeymoon-ish
31. Your relationship status: married
32. What is on your TV: nothing
33. What is the weather like: sunny
34. When was the last time you laughed: morning

thankful

this week has been...
busy?
tiring?
productive?
stressful?
draining?
i'm having trouble finding one word to describe the previous seven days.
because i am in silly/sleepy mood, i will just make up a word combining all of these descriptions:

butiructessing.

anywho...
we went to la/slo for a wedding and visiting with friends last weekend - which was wonderful but very tiring. i felt like an old lady because the whole ride home i was so excited to be able to sleep in our comfortable bed again. :)
life in first grade is back in full force and i realized just how much i came to appreiate minimum days. i love the kids...but sending them home early was not too bad. :)
school-related commitments (meetings, trainings, etc) seem to all coincide with one another. but soon i have vacation and nobody can make me do anything.
with outside things keeping me busy/being on my mind, i tend to be a little 'snippy' with a wonderful man who has to put up with me because he married me. this has made for some stupid and unpleasant fights. but we've talked it out and things are 'us' again.

all of the things that made last week 'butiructessing' have lead me to consider the things i have that i can be thankful for. so, in the spirit of the coming holiday (and the fact that i never seem t have time to blog during the school week), here are some mushy musings about things i am thankful for:

• my husband for...everything. i am realizing that i am a little crazy/emotional/difficult at times and he is the voice of reason/calm/common sense when i need it most. he's just swell. :)
• my family for all of their support and help over the last year - from graduating college to moving back home to planning the wedding to having the wedding and every little thing in between.
• my 'family' of friends for providing the same support, love and help - in some of the same ways as my family, but in many other ways as well. :)
• having a teaching job, working with such wonderful and supportive people and spending every day with squirmy and loveable six year olds
• joint roberts-rockway family thanksgiving (so matt and i do not need to decide who we want to spend the foliday with because that is a hard choice)
• our growing little life in san jose ~ including our wonderful small group, our great church and the friendships we are making together

on that note, i will stop because we actually need to get going. (oops...i start blogging and time just gets away from me.) anywho, we are heading into the city for a little pre-thanksgiving feast with some friends from college which should be fun.
i hope that you all are enjoying this lovely november day (it finally feels like fall here which just makes my autumn-loving heart happy). in case i don't find some spare time to post again, happy thanksgiving to everyone. hopefully you have plenty of things to think back on and be thankful for this year. :)

about us

so...i tried to post this last night but it wasn't working. but this morning, it is working again. so here is my post...just a couple hours late. :)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
it's friday.

and what a wonderful day it is. :)

the days leading up to today have been busy and stressful. for example, halloween basically took over my classroom, we had minimum days, and i completed the first chunk of conferences with parents who don't speak much english but still tell me they don't need a translator (it went alright...but this makes for an interesting conversation). but the week is behind me.

and i now have two wonderful days to rest, relax and remember what it is like to spend time with the husband when we are not busy and distracted by the events of our days or the days to come. the next few weekends will be busy (a wedding in la, a 'how to teach writing' class for me, early thanksgiving with friends in sf, then real thanksgiving)...so we've decided to let this weekend be about us.

sleeping in.
watching movies.
playing tennis (if weather permits).
making dinner.
snuggling times.
enjoying eachother's company.

i am looking forward to a weekend where we have no set plans/obligations and can just take the days as they come. i hope that you all can enjoy this weekend and let it be exactly what you want it to be.

happy days off friends. :)

how we grow up

This is my family. :)

Aren't we cute?

And isn't this a really cheesy picture? ;)

Two summers ago, the O'Reilly clan (my mom's five sisters and all those attached to them) got together for a family reunion. And during the reunion, this family snapshot was taken. :)


When I look at this picture, I can't help but smile and think about how fortunate I am to have these four people to interact with, learn from and grow up with. I know that not everyone has warm fuzzy memories of their childhoods and their families, so I apologize for the warm fuzzies that are about to come forth. As a child, how I grew up felt right and normal because it was all I knew and all I could relate to. My parents supported me in everything (within reason) I wanted to do and built me up to be the person I am today. Sure, there were problems with curfews and unsuitable boyfriends and the often uncontrollable 'wenchiness' of being a teenager. But at the end of the day, things quietly worked themselves out and we moved on with life.

Fast forward to now. I don't live with the family I grew up with. Instead, I am starting a new family (sans kids, for now) with Matt. And with this new family, I am faced with the obvious fact that how I grew up and what I am accustomed to was not the same across the board. (Duh, right?) Now, Matt's parents are wonderful and kind people who I adore...but they are definitely not like my parents. My family is more quiet and tends to avoid conflict like the plague, while Matt's parents are more 'outgoing' and like to talk things out. And as a result, Matt grew up with different norms and ways of doing things than I did. While this isn't necessarily a problem, it does present a challenge in the ways in which we communicate and 'work things out' between us.

Whenever we argue or disagree about something, the issue itself is usually VERY trivial. Not even worth any additional words. But what turns this minor, insignificant squabble into an unpleasant and silence-filled argument is the way that we handle problems and conflict. Matt grew up used to talking things out and talking things through in a calm and collected manner. I grew up used to brief outbursts of defensive words, storming off (involving me and a slammed door) and notes of apology. After that, things were fine and we went on with life. While this might not be the best conflict resolution strategy, it's what I know. So now...when Matt and I disagree, my tendency is to go on the defensive, spit out whatever I have to say and then leave it at that so I can stew. (You should be glad to know that slammed doors are no longer a part of it...look at my progress).

Is this way of arguing stupid and childish? Absolutely. Do I know how to 'fix' it? Not yet. It surprises me how instinctual and immediate it is for me to react this way. Sometimes, I hear the words coming out of my mouth and I think, "What are you doing?!?!? You love him. He is so wonderful to you. STOP!!!!!" I know that I need to train myself to argue/discuss/disagree in a way that leads to a resolution for both of us - instead of just saying what I feel I need to say and hoping that it just goes away. But I realize nothing will just 'go away' because this man will be with me for the rest of my life. I chose to share my heart and my future with him - and why should that future be full of unhappiness and stupid fights? And even though I know that a smooth and problem-free life is impossible and outside my control, I know that I can do my part make our life together happy and healthy.

So...after all the rambling and yammering on...does anyone have suggestions about adjusting your communication style? This might sound like a cop-out, but I am surprised by how quickly I jump to defend myself and try to 'win' during an argument. I hate that I do it. And I want to fix it. Any advice or tips or anything from anyone would be appreciated. Because then I can put them into practice and, hopefully, be a better communicator, which sounds really cheesy as I type it...but whatever. Cheesiness is who I am. :)

Happy week to you all!

twenty first graders, twenty-three years, one busy gal :)

first off - apologies to the few that visit this blog and read my rambling/ranting/worrying and are then left to wonder how it all turned out. looking back at my last few posts, i would be curious about whether it worked out, too. :)

so...where to begin?

i was transferred to a new school about a month and a half ago. it was hard. i did not like it. for a couple of days, i actually wished i had been fired. i realize now that this was crazy talk. while it took lots of work (to prepare the room and to 'train' these little kiddos), i can honestly say that i am settled and enjoying this experience of first year teaching. the staff has been incredibly supportive and i know that they will help me if i ever need anything.

as for the day-to-day stuff, first grade is busy. i don't know where the time goes, but i have been working long days. too long. i have decided i need to leave at 5:00. matt laughs at me and says 'ok...see you then'. i'm not sure that he believes me, but i can try. :) the curriculum is getting harder, which means there is more to teach in a limited time time. some of the kids (especially my english language learners) are getting a little wide-eyed at all the things expected of them. but there is a silver lining: i've been told it 'calms' a little bit before jumping back in again. i am waiting for the calm.

work stuff aside: life is good. matt and i celebrated a month of birthday festivities (he turned 25 on the 2nd). we spread out the presents all month and went to a yummy dinner at a trendy restaurant in downtown sj where we heard other young people go. we felt so young and hip. which is probably a little lame...because we should be those things...but are not. :) we made a delicious cake that was an almost replica of the top tier of our wedding cake - which we loved! even though both of us are super busy with work related stuff, it makes the time we can see eachother that much better.

we're heading north to visit my family this weekend for my dad's 50th birthday party - which i am very excited about! i haven't seen my family for a couple weeks, so it will be nice to catch up in person and just spend time together. i want to try and post more often...but whenever i get home i just want to eat dinner and veg and hang out with matt. maybe i can sneak little blogs in here and there. maybe they can be more interesting than long-winded updates about all things me. hope all is well with you - my whopping two or three readers. :) i love to read your blogs and hope mine can (eventually) be amusing as well.

have a super week friends.

uncertainty

matt is back at work finishing a project, so i figured i'd take this opportunity to venture into the bloggie world and give a little update (and have some looks at friend's pages). where to begin? my last post was on the eve of my first day in my own classroom. after two weeks, i can simply say that teaching is a learning experience. it is hard. it is draining. it is fun. it is amusing. it is rewarding. every day reveals a new opportunity for learning. i have learned time management like never before. i have learned the importance of the few hours i spend with these children everyday. i have learned that first graders can be gullible - and that is can work to my advantage (ask me about "invidible fleas"). i have learned that even when i want to go home and give up, this is what i am supposed to do. it fulfills me and brings me joy. :) and it's only just begun.
and now i wish that this is where this post can end. but i have an additional reason for my post ~ this incredible and valuable learning may be short-lived. our school, and the district as a whole, are under-enrolled which means that there is a need for fewer teachers all around. at my school, they need three teachers instead of four and since i am the only new teacher at my site, i am first in line to be relocated/released.
while no official decisions have been made yet, it is likely that i will be moved or let go. leaving my school and my sixteen students would be awful, but a relocation would be better than nothing. unfortunately, nothing is also a possibility. my contract is for temporary employment, which i understood as a one-year contract. however, i found out that temporary can mean whatever it needs to mean - and could result in me not having a job.
i hate to freak out about something that is only speculation, but i feel like i need to prepare myself for whatever may come. my principal told me that he wanted to let me know what the possible outcomes were, just in case he was told he had to let me go. the fact that he told me makes me think that it doesn't look good - but keep telling myself that i can't lose hope. i know that he is pulling for me to stay at the school and i hope it does some good.
my mind is just all over the place about what could happen in different scenarios. if i am let go, then my pursuit of my clear credential would be delayed another year, thus delaying our plans to move out of state. could we live off one income? could i find another teaching job this late into the school year? if i am relocated, where would i go? what grade would i teach? so many questions. and at this time, no answers.
at this point, worrying will only make me stressed. i know that whatever comes of this will be the path i am supposed to take. i know that God is faithful and already knows my path. i just need to remind myself that my life is in His hands. easy to say...but harder to remember. i hope and pray that this journey i am on will continue, but at this point i also need to realize that my hopes and prayers are on such a small scale. hopefully this post will have a follow-up where everything is fine and i can laugh off the worry i am feeling now.
if you can, keep me in your thoughts and prayers as these next few days pan out. i don't know if these thoughts are coherent. to be honest, i am too lazy/drained to proofread. :)
besides this speed bump, life is great. i have the support of a husband that listens to me and hugs me while i cry it out and then tells me we'll be fine, no matter what. i have a job that i love - and the experience i have had so far has been worthwhile. we're part of a new church family and a great small group that is welcoming and encouraging. my family is great and supportive, too. and my sister is going to c.p. in less than two weeks - and i am excited to be able to visit her (and my old hometown). :) i have wonderful friends who encourage me and bring smiles to my face whenever i think of them (though i could be better about the keeping in touch thing).
so there it is - the good with the bad. i am tired and am off to relax in my comfy cozy bed. i hope you have a wonderful weekend of relaxation and good times. :)
~jill :)

tomorrow...:)

tomorrow begins one of the biggest, scariest and most crazy undertakings i have ever taken on.
as of tomorrow morning at 8:40 a.m., i will be a first grade teacher.
over the last few days, i have felt stressed, then calm, then nervous, then prepared, then frazzled...who knows what tomorrow morning will bring. my poor husband tries to tell me it will all be fine and i will be a wonderful teacher. sweet and supportive, huh? i'm lucky to have him...but i kind of wish i really believed him. :)
ready or not...here it comes and i can only be along for the ride, wherever it takes me. whether you pray, meditate, cross fingers, or whatever else can be done to send good thoughts, i would greatly appreciate some headed my way. :)
when i get my act together, i will post pictures of my lovely little first grade classroom...i just have to remember to bring my camera to school. :)
hope you has a blessed week and i will (try to) be updating more often.
~jill :)

fresh

i am pleased to report that this week, which started out kind of 'blah', is ending with fresh outlooks on some aspects of life that were stressing me out or lacking in some way. what a difference a few days makes.
the enormous and messy pile of stuff (desks, computers, chairs, textbooks, paper, teacher editions) in the middle of my new classroom overwhelmed me. every time i walked in, i wondered...what am i going to do with all this - and how can i make this a place where students can actually learn? after a few days of sorting, organizing and rearranging, it's actually starting to look like a classroom. there's still a long way to go...but i now have a fresh start on what was originally daunting.
my dear friend aimee from college came over yesterday. we haven't seen eachother since my wedding and all phone calls since then have just been too brief. she is also venturing out into the world of first year teaching and it was nice to talk with someone who shared my "oh my gosh - i have no idea what i am doing! how could anyone hire me???" we were able to discuss our worry and nervousness and excitement about it...and also catch up on the important stuff, like what's happened in both our lives for the last three months. she is such an encouragement to me and just spending some time with her and talking through it all helped me to release some of my worries over the coming school year and take it as it comes. :) (i'll let you know how this 'take it as it comes' thing goes)
matt and i attended a church in fremont (about 40 miles from our apt) with some good friends of ours from poly. we were heading to fremont on wednesdays (for youth group) and sundays (for chruch services). basically, this was a lot of driving and attending church/youth group was kind of draining...not because of the things that happened once we were there, but because in order to get there, it required enduring bay area traffic. not fun. anywho, after lots of talking, we decided to find a new church closer to home. we were nervous because we had no idea where to go and meeting new people can be hard because neither of us is the super outgoing type. luckily, a coworker of matt's recommended the church he attended. we attended and we love it. we tagged along to a buble study wednesday and, once again, were a little nervous. but we felt comfortable and welcome in this new group and we're excited to continue. what seemed negative (leaving people and a church we loved) gave way to this new beginning...with less impact on our gas tanks. :)
this weekend we're going to rocklin - yay! i miss my family and am excited to see them and go to the state fair. it will probably be a million degrees, but the fair is always a fun place to be. i'll try to bring the camera and, maybe if we take any funny pictures i'll post about the california state fair. any requests for pictures? mullets? livestock? deep-fried twinkies? let me know. :)
happy friday and have a blessed weekend.
~jill :)

apologies for the lack of structure and order to this post...just had a lot to put down and didn't want to muddy it up with transitional sentences :)

funk

do you ever have a day (or days) where you just feel...blah? it's not sad or angry or anything for that matter - just blah. there isn't one tangible, identifiable reason to explain it, but it's there nonetheless. when this happens to me, i call it a funk. unfortunately for those individuals who i come into contact with, i am currently going through one of these funks. and i'm sure that i am just a delight to be around. ;)
what makes this a not-so-great place to be, emotionally, is that i can't just pinpoint what needs to be changed in order to break through the blah's. things with matt are good and i appreciate him wanting to do the 'man thing' of fixing my problems. but without being able to articulate how he can be mr. fix-it, he can't do anything. also, the school year is around the corner and, if anything, i am getting even more excited to start this new adventure i've been anticipating since march. and, on top of all that goodness, matt and i are lucky enough to be spending the weekend with my family, which will be a nice opportunity to visit before the busy-ness of 'real life'. as i write this, i am getting frustrated with myself for wallowing in this funk when the major aspects of my life are good overall.
i'm not sure what this post is...an outlet to share my thoughts...a request for anyone that relates...an invitation for funk remedies...i'm not sure. i'll just write it down and put it out there. and by the next time i post, i'm sure this funk will be long gone. :)
thanks for reading...happy wednesday.
~jill :)

bits of happiness :)

august is off to a wonderful start and i just felt like dociumenting it...because there's no telling how august will conclude. hopefully the first graders won't drive me crazy. :)
some things that have brought me smiles and bits of happiness the past few days are:

• playing our own version of frisbee golf at the park with matt
• drinking snapple raspberry white tea - baby white tea leaves sure are refreshing. :)
• talking with matt - from serious to silly and everywhere in between
• enjoying the hot tub in our complex - i love the bubbly tub :)
• new pictures of family/friends/favorite things on our walls
• generic orange creamsicles
• catching up with an old friend from slo
• the smell of banana bread wafting from my kitchen...yum

other than these little things...life has been pretty low-key. no work means i am a little bored during the day, but i always fill it with something. i've probably read more books over the summer than i did throughout college (reading books for fun, not class, that is). these days will be gone soon...so i should enjoy the free time to enjoy books, baking and being 'bored'. hopefully this little post will make other people happy and think about what makes them smile - i know i always like reading what people i care about are jazzed about. happy thursday all.

~jill